right royal news deflection

News deflection apparatus
We're all re-reading 1984 as our next dystopian book-club novel. Bury news with a royal story.

Here's some adapted Regina.

Do you remember the time when the Withdrawal Bill was stopped by Parliament?
Hey, remember that time we decided the government was wrong?
Hey, remember that time when my favorite colors were pink and green?
Hey, remember that month when I only ate boxes of tangerines?
So cheap and juicy

Hey, remember that time when I would only read politics?
Hey, remember that other time when I would only read Paradise Papers?
Hey, remember that time we tried to save the country with a broken thing?
A fat cat got it by morning, and we had to bury pieces of its freedom in the Parliament building
I thought I was going to be sick

Hey, remember that time when I would only smoke Parliaments?
Hey, remember that time when I would only smoke Marlboros?
Hey, remember that time when I would only smoke Camels?
Hey, remember that time when I was broke?

I didn't care; I just bummed from my friends
Bum, ber-bum ber-bum, bum.


Hey, remember that time when she tried destroy the country?
Hey, remember that other time when he tried it for the second time?
Well, in the waiting room while waiting for news of you
I hallucinated I could read your mind
And I was on a lot of it too, but what I saw, man, I tell you it was freaky

Coining the charts

It appears my latest novel has already turned up on Amazon. The Kindle popped up first and then, a couple of days later, the paperback appeared. It's officially in pre-sales for another week, so I'll have to hang on in there until then. Nonetheless, it is already turning up in a couple of the Amazon Charts: Number 2 in the Amazon Hot New Releases and Number 24 in the Amazon Best Sellers.

Now, I'll take both of these, even if a closer inspection reveals they are both in somewhat specialised categories.

Level Up or Level Playing Fields?

The new year sit-com continues, with Buffer getting a visit from Ursula von der Leyen. She's heard about the Great Leveller, but rather than wanting to level-up, she's insisiting that any fun and games are played on a level playing field.

Of course, Mr Mendacious pretends to know the rules of soccer and shows off his own bulked-out level playing field to Ursula.

Ursula and the Clown might have gone to the same European School in Uccle, Belgium, but she left before Le Malheuer arrived.


Now she's on a partial climate ticket leading the EU and has pointed out to Boris that the Great Negotiation is already starkly time-limited.

I'm guessing that that the Bad Spad is already dreaming up a couple of easy wins (mwah-ha-ha-ha) as a proxy for the exit.

Prepare to hear all about a couple of issues to the exclusion of all else. Sleight of hand and misdirection, naturally.

Then the Boris can have his Beano, sorry, Bino moment.

Dan Dare stare and a flying car

I noticed today's amusing press release from BMW for gaze detection technology. Monetising where the driver stares. Meh.

Now they've made the car that fronts it look quite menacing too - taking liberties with the BMW design language. Remember when it was all about kidney-shaped grills and double-O headlights? This one takes more from Radiohead's Killer Cars than from BMW designer Paul Bracq.

But that brings me to the next car designer desperation.

Flying Cars.

I can't help thinking that there's a law of physics here somewhere that means that flying cars will need far more energy to get off the ground than a wheeled variety. Climate Crisis, or what?

And, as someone who has just had to replace a headlight on my ordinary car - not just the broken bulb because it is made with rare and noble xenon gas apparently. That's the whole £182 sub-assembly (plus fitting) instead of a fiver for a new bulb at Halfords. So on a flying car where everything has to be certified, I'm sure those ion reactors will cost a pretty penny.

evolution

Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the library, another rashbre book emerges. Cue that John Williams menace music.

This one has evolved from my comparative radio silence during November (NaNoWriMo time).

I just don't know when to stop.

I'm told by the publishers that Coin will be live on 20-Jan-20, which isn't far away now and only competes with the blockbusters of William Gibson's Agency (about the revenge of the Alexas) and Luke Gedde's Heart of Junk (ascerbic life in the Marie Kondo age). I'm guessing the date will drift a little in any case.

Here's part of the back cover blurb for Coin, by Ed Adams (see, it's near the start of the alphabet in searches ;-)

And the evolution of the cover art, thanks to various advisors:

• "Green text on a green background? You must be crazy!"
• Chorus of "I like the blue cover, no on second thoughts, the yellow one..."
• "No, I don't like any of them - what you need is..."
• Very long pause..."No comment"
• "You need a different model for the hacker; she looks too [insert word]"
• "Can you get away with that?"

I'm sure I'll mention it again on this blog. (or maybe it's a plog? (r) (c) Roger Morris)

A cayce of patterns

Dominic Cummings leveraging his position at Number 10 will be interesting. He is looking for super-talented weirdos because he thinks some of the civil service need to be less wrong and are in need of new enablers. He's made it personal by stepping the hiring process onto his personal blog. No-one has commented about that aspect.

Cummings is still extolling Boyd’s loops of people, ideas, machines and exploitation of unrecognised simplicities to theoretically grab the money laying in the streets. Loopy? we shall see soon enough.

Cummings' wild cards resonated with me, but I suppose they are designed to.

He talked of William Gibson’s novel and the girl hired by Bigend as a brand-diviner.

I recognised her as Cayce Pollard the coolhunter and am reminded that I scripted one of Scrive’s buddies based upon the idea of Cayce, when I wrote Pulse several years ago.

That’s the unpublished Pulse, which I keep meaning to finish.

It should be easier after Coin hits the street.

Then there’s the Chinese-Cuban free-runner, like a Tom Waits character from Gun Street Girls, which co-incidentally, I used as my 2019 summary tune.

"He bought a second-hand Nova from a Cuban Chinese
And dyed his hair in the bathroom of a Texaco
With a pawnshop radio, quarter past four
He left for Waukegan at the slamming of the door”

And as for figuring out how international crime gangs might exploit border security… Well, that’s 'job done' in the novel. And we’re soon back to three-lists in Cummings’ world. Real, Symbolic, Imaginary (?)

Around people rooted in symbolism, I worry that apophenia may rule. Imaginary pattern recognition. To quote one of my older and wiser bosses, ”The strength becomes a weakness.”

We'll see with Mark Sedwill's protection of Cummings.

A new type of weird is coming.

relax jaw

The complicated travelling is over, and I'm back at base. 2020 has arrived with a modicum of champagne glass clinking and fireworks from across the field.

Other than fun going forward, I don't do resolutions and fgf is more or less a lifestyle choice and mantra. It is interesting to see that resolutions have been comprehensively monetized on t'internet now, with various influencer videos and marketer videos recommending all kinds of creepy poetry, fun park tours and self-improvement courses.

Weirdly, there's as many carbon footprint increasing offers as there are for cuts in alcohol or fuel. And then there's lists of resolutions. The longest I could spot was 55 line items, which I felt was a trifle complicated to uphold.

Another list has 15 embedded advertisers including, facebook, salesloft, amazon alexa, google analytics, twitter ads, marketo, adroll, taboola and yes, the list goes on. Cookies galore; good luck with that one.

But I don't care. In true Starship Enterprise piloting style, I've set Shields to High and will boldly continue.

Here's to Fun going Forward.

2019 summary - fun going forward

top of the world

An unusual retrospective today. As we hit the bump to the 2020s, it is interesting to see that this blog has been going long enough to look back ten years to the end of 2009 and start of 2010. Where were we? Eigergletscher, in Switzerland, having a snowy Christmas meandering around Grindelwald and Jungfraujoch.

It is a pretty amazing place with the railway to the ice palace and then the panoramas from the top of Jungfrau. I've visited it several times, but would still go back again.

There we were, staying in a little wooden hut, like Heidi's, but without the goats. Sitting on top of the world.

Merry Christmas!

Santa Tracker and Calculations 2019 (Mach 4770)

Time to republish the Santa Calculations, which I first published back in 2006 and then updated in 2010. I'm using 7 billion as the world population.

Firstly, here's the link to the Santa tracking system created by NORAD.

For those of you who are more interested in the technology of Santa, NORAD's FAQs provide the following:

I've again used the Joel Potischman and Bruce Handy calculations as the basis for the speed calculations, with my own adaptations:

The most notable corrections to be applied are:

- Santa delivers no gifts to naughty children (not even coal)
- Naughty to nice ratio is 1:9
- As confirmed by NORAD, one Santa distributes all of the gifts.
- There is only one family per household.
- Santa bypasses non Santa belief system houses.
- Reindeer have recently eaten fresh magic acorns.


Calculation Assumptions (2014):

- World population = 7.06 billion
- Children under 18 = 2.353 billion (Hmm may be higher)
- Global Santa based belief systems: 33%
- Max children requiring delivery therefore 784 million
- Children per household: 3.5 (may seem high?)
- Number of households requiring distribution 224 million
- Naughty to nice factor applied but not many all naughty households
- Remove all naughty households (25% 0f 10%) = 5.6 million
- Eastern orthodox using Jan 5 instead of Dec 25 = 16 Million
- Target Households = 202 million on Dec 25
- Estimated child bed time 21:00 (9pm) with 7 hours sleep.

(child sleep duration on Dec 24 may also require revision)

Gives circa 31 hours (24+7) for all deliveries
Time is 1860 mins or 111,600 seconds

The average number of homes to visit per second = circa 1810.
So average delivery per household is 552 milliseconds, which is why Santa normally appears a bit blurry (I previously thought it was the sherry)

Land surface minus Antarctica is around 79 million square miles. Distribute destinations evenly = 0.7 miles between households creating a total distance of circa 110 million miles.

So 110 million miles in 31 hours = 3.6 million miles an hour or circa 1000 miles per second or Mach 4770 at a linear speed.

This explains Rudolph's red nose because of air resistance creating around 20 quintillion Joules of energy per second, which would convert a non-reindeer nose to charcoal at such energy levels. I think the acceleration and deceleration per household may also need some examination.

Luckily Santa has lots of special powers so these mere physics facts are no problem to such a superhero.

Mustique

It's a tricky decision to have to make. Whether to stay at home or travel during the Christmas holiday? And also whether to seek sun or snow, if travelling? For 2019 we waited until the deep winter to travel to the sunshine, and the previous year we were in the Austrian snow.

This time, I think we'll stay at home throughout the season, unlike our new Prime Minister and girlfriend, who have decided to winter it out with the von Bismarks in Mustique.

I know the thinking though. Mustique is far away enough from Barbados, where Simon Cowell will be wintering away in Sandy Lanes. Mick Jagger has tried to get away from it all to his adjacent private island, but now that Cowell has access to a floating gin place, there's always the thought he could turn up unannounced.

At least Boris had the courtesy to tell Mick he'd be sunning himself nearby when he was at that alleged KGB spy and oligarch Lebedev's party after the election results came in. Champagne, triple wodkas and beluga all around.

Of course, Boris is showing the common touch with his choice of holiday spot. He's a winner now and needs to be seen in the right Phillipe Starck designed bars.

The country can run itself in his absence unimpeded by any sensible opposition. Boris has set the timer on his oven-ready solution.