Babylon Zoo alert

I expect, like many, I've puzzled over the Bluffer's explanation of the current situation on the virus. That scale of 1 to 5 doesn't seem to be getting much of an airing, but I suppose no-one can work out how to operate it properly.

As for the number-hiding, we are now seeing inconvenient truths being swept under the carpet whilst the Clown juggles through a daily number show. We used to call some of it spurious accuracy, when for example, the number of tests clicks up at 96,878 - although we all know that includes posted out tests being added to the numbers.

'Stay alert' sounds a little bit too much like living on the edge of my nerves and 'control the virus' isn't something that I know how to do, nor do scientists except the orange loony one in Washington who is snorting horse tranquillisers or something.

Then, to top it all, the other day we see that televisual nightmare Gove telling us to send our children back to school and get back to work if possible.

He's still hoping for a shot at the big chair.

The hidden problem that sees most of the Cabinet climbing the walls is that they are spending like there is no tomorrow. Getting people back to work would stop some of it and there might even be a few high streets left standing.

There's that 'let me get this straight' moment too. It's okay for cleaners, maids, gardeners, window cleaners to go back to work. Okay to play tennis or golf, maybe a spot of sailing too? and then there's that little gîte in France? Stay alert.

There's the dilemma. Boris is useless. He can feign sincerity and some people will believe him. He can wring his hands publically, but we all know he is looking for someone to blame. Will it be the scientists? the army? medical research? The testers? He can watch the orange lad position the World Health Organisation and the Chinese as scapegoats with an object lesson in blame avoidance. Stay alert.

And now, after last week's broadcast, he has managed to slice and dice the UK into its constituent parts. It is all very handy for another piece of his skullduggery. He can quietly let Brexit drift into the Theresa No Deal situation, by banning the B-word from Conservatives lips. Many pundits didn't think a year would be long enough to sort it all out anyway, now there's an available excuse, but the ideology of hard lining it seems to be winning over. The Moggster will get Parliament reconvened for just enough days to seal Britain's fate in the way that his so-called European Research Group lobby party intended. Stay alert.

And all bets are off as the Eurozone gets stretched like some kind of steel bar in a tensile machine. Get the ear protectors ready.