Friday, 21 October 2005

advanced biscuitry

bourbon
My thanks to Doris for provoking me to make this post. In the words of the Hitch-Hikers Guide - the chocolate bourbon cream is the single most perfect object known to man. For the benefit of those outside the bourbon distribution area, a bourbon cream is two rectangular chocolate biscuits roughly 3cm x 6cm, and 5mm in depth, on either side of an oval of chocolate goo which never spills out from the sides of the biscuit.

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Traditional Eating Method
The Traditional Method of eating these would be to gorge in the same way you would eat, say, a digestive, though some bourbers would argue this demotes the bourbon to mere 'everyday biscuit' status and labels it fit only for basic dunking purposes. Not recommended.

Scrape Method
The more advanced Scrape Method requires that first, the top biscuit is removed and eaten whole. The body thinks, 'Okay, a chocolate bourbon biscuit without goo.' The body therefore releases its own sugar rush to compensate.

Imagine a few moments later the body's surprise when the bourber scrapes the goo with his/her bottom teeth. This double rush of chocolate renders the scrape-style bourbon eater in chocolate heaven. Once this rush is achieved the scraper will never go back to the traditional way of bourbatious mastication.

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The Double Whammy
An altogether more serious delivery method is the Double Whammy. The bourber extracts the top biscuit layer with their teeth and consumes it, leaving the central cream layer as intact as possible.

Now nibble off the bottom layer of biscuit that protrudes around the cream, leaving an irregular oval of cream-on-base-biscuit.

The eater carefully snaps this remainder in half. Licking one cream half gently, the bourber (or bourbonette) places this on top of other half, pressing lightly to adhere.

The bourber carefully bites off what has now become the top layer of biscuit base. Slowly consuming the remaining piece of base, topped as it is with a luxurious double layer of cream, it is time to...

Sigh deeply.

The Super Rush
This technique is so advanced, that it was not allowed to be published in the Hitch-Hiker's Guide. Anyone attempting this does so at their own risk. Take an ENTIRE Bourbon for this. The bourber must ensure a cup of tea is already to hand and is not too hot.

Bite off a very small sliver each end of the biscuit so that there are clear rough ends. Now take one end of the bourbon in the mouth (frankly teeth are best used for this manouvre).

Now dip the other end lightly into the tea. Now DEEP DUNK and SUCK. The bourbon rush explodes in the mouth, mixed with the tea. This is a way to get the maximum hit from a single biscuit, but needs some practice.

There are some further techniques involving hairdryers, but I think you'd best make your own enquiries or email me separately for that information.

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