something about a car, but not exactly top gear

Today it's time to mention the French car we used whilst driving around Norway. I'm not much good at Top Gear reviews, so it won't be so much about performance and cornering, more about living with the car.

It was an almost new black car designed using "château-fort" principles, which meant it had to look aggressive and have slits instead of windows. It actually achieved that quite well, with a kind of non-visibility from much of the front area and a special bar across the rear window which blocked out other cars in the rear-view when on motorways unless they were very close.

I tried the various up and down facilities of the seat, but this didn't really help and if anything managed to block out more of the nearside vision because of the quite low and bulky front mirror assembly. At one point I managed to hide a whole ship out of view on the passenger side.

To keep up the 'repel all boarders' impression, the car also had a special button in the roof which then very slowly raised a screen in front of the driver's eye-line. This displayed a copy of the speed. I think it was supposed to be a head-up display, but with the other two speedometers immediately below it, the impression of a sightly greyed out view of part of the road didn't seem all that worthwhile.

The clever concealment of the 'lower-it-again' switch meant it took quite a while to find out how to disable it, because like many of the controls it was not quite so obvious how it worked. There may have been an operating manual in the glove box, but the control to open the glove box didn't work, so it was either locked or jammed. In château-fort terms I guess it was 'secure'.

A similar experience happened with the white noise generator, which randomly switched on during some journeys. It was a de-tuned radio but the volume control wasn't very clearly labelled and also took a while to find.

As an automatic, this car had other interesting features. Firstly, it didn't 'hold' when pulling away. A slight reverse gradient would become a drama unless the electronic parking brake was deployed. Its set of programmed sequences meant it would send impressive instructions to the dashboard about its use. Not always ideal when close parking on a gradient.

Another feature of the automatic was the special form of cruise control. Most cars I use with cruise control will allow a speed to be set and then maintain it. This car let the cruise speed drift by maybe 20kph upwards whilst flashing a warning message. A kind of 'pas' moment. J’veux pas travailler. I tried the fancy paddle override on the gearing to see if that would help the speed stay down. 'Pas. If I steadied the speed manually, the gearbox would then decide it was time to upshift again and essentially override my action.

Let's spend a moment with the sat-nav. It knew where Norway was and could give instructions in English. When I say it knew about Norway, I mean in a general sense. Oslo. Okay. Bergen? Okay. The well-travelled Peer Gynt Way? 'Chai pas. The airport at Ålesund? Make it fifth after a few other transport essentials like the Post Office.

Or.

It would just stop completely and turn itself off. Blank screen. I didn't ever find out how to switch it back on. I'd just return to the car from time to time and find it working again. A kind of temps de travail, perhaps? Oh, and the map rotated whilst driving, to always point forward. I prefer north upwards, so I can get a sense of my bearings. Could I lock north to the top? 'chpa. The option was showing, but was greyed out on the menu.

And I shouldn't forget the special key to start the car. One of those ones where you have a special button to make the car start instead of a key twist. Except once you've pressed Stop, everything stops and won't restart unless you start the engine again. On a ferry? Want to pay the conductor? Can't open the windows. Decision...start the car and alarm the man (we are at sea already) or just open the door? Next time, open the window before stopping the engine. Pay the man. Now I can't leave the car to get a coffee. The window is open.

Additionally, the key would go wrong sometimes. I'd park the car. Get out. Try to lock it. Pah. Paaaaah. It would go all sultry. I'd have to get back in. Put the key into the ignition slot. Press the start button. Press the start button again. Remove the key. Get out and try again. I guess this is part of the château-fort facilities. Make absolutely sure that the drawbridge is up.

See. I said I couldn't do a Top Gear style review. They'd focus on the 'S' button and the engine horses or wheel sizes.

I never did check whether it had a spare.

overlooked no brainers to market on tv and youtube

Time to repeat two of the rashbre social marketing principles (tm):

Everyone fast forwards through the popup ads on youtube and television.

So here, again, are a couple of points that everyone still forgets:

1: Put the message within the first three seconds. Four seconds is the point at which youtube gives you the eject button.

How many times in the first four seconds have I seen a dog running around on a bed? a playful kitten? Some bearded hipsters walking along a road with a guitar? Two women sitting in a kitchen (polite version)? BUT NO MESSAGE.

Ancient film had a two second picture preload (originally it was to do with the time that it takes for optical sound to reach the play head). Nowadays its bonkers.

Hair product adverts seem to get it, so I suppose they are worth it, if you can remember which brand the tag line actually belongs to?
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2: On television, keep a banner with the brand on screen. We all watch adverts at 30x. Even when the ads are subtly slowed by programming in the device to 6x-12x it still only gives 2-3 seconds, so you'd better have a lower thirds stripe with the message.

You'd better make the brand large too. In case it's the time for a Picture in Picture channel hop.

(Oops, this 'spare' post was automatically published)

return trip

Time to think about returning to the U.K.

I won't think of it as a stormy moment.

Just moody skies or someone draping a new power cable with orange markers across the fjord, temporarily impeding our progress before we return to the shoreline and eventually to the airport.

Time to find a beach scene at the best pre-airport lounge waiting area ever.

The difference for this beach is that it is with boots instead of bare feet. It's just before a flight, so who cares?

Okay, and maybe thirty seconds of a boat trip before we return on the 22:05, still back in London before the new day.

The wobbly sky and boat rails are not entirely a result of the mushrooms and asparagus at lunch. More a feature of the image stabilisation provided by youtube.

High speed boat from Norangsfjordby to Øye

The little boat was finally ready, so we took off at a great speed along the Norangsfjordby to Øye, this time to a small hotel at the far end, which has seen its share of celebrity action.

Famous guests include Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, Keiser Wilhelm II, Queen Beatrice, Henrik Ibsen, Edvard Grieg and Karen (Out of Africa) Blixen. It was built in 1891 and retains an old-world charm. It nestles in between the mountains and just a short walk from the fjord jetty.

The rooms have modern en-suite bathroom facilities, but the rest is kept in the age of Grand Touring, so there's no telephones or televisions and a good deal of candle light. The staff are also attired for the era.

For a time in the fjords, away from the crowds and ultra-connectedness, this is the place to visit. No wonder Ibsen, Conan Doyle and Grieg paused awhile at the location.

And before we leave, we mustn't forget room seven. That's the blue one haunted with the girl who didn't get her lover.

And for more of a look around, here's one of their own new fangled cine-films.

penguins in the rain

No puffins today, it was penguins instead.

It wasn't the original plan, but when we arrived at the harbour, the guy explained that the small boat was cancelled. He didn't mention the weather, but I think it was a factor. We've been having 30 degree plus sunshine everyday, but today we've got lashings of rain.

It's okay, he said, there'll be a boat tomorrow. And good weather.

Instead, for a rainy morning, we thought we'd check out the nearby Jugendstil exhibition, which explains that after the entire wooden city of Alesund burned to the ground in 1904, it was rebuilt in stone and brick in the Art Nouveau style.

Ten thousand people lost their dwellings in one night and the city took three years to rebuild from the ground up.

The young architects built to a set of designs that created what is still a well-preserved central area in the Art Nouveau style.

By midday, there was a small break in the cloud, but it still seemed like a good idea to do something else which wouldn't get us too wet, hence the penguins, which were among the extensive line-up at the nearby aquarium.

puffin post

A combination of road, ferry, bridge, tunnel and walking to the little island of Runde.

This is known as bird island because the sheer rock cliffs are homes to many species including, notably, the puffin. The basics are that herring swim south to spawn creating huge tonnages of eggs on the sea floor. They reckon the weight of the spawn is larger than the weight of the entire Norwegian population. The number of herring means that with sensible fishing, the Norwegians could eat herring every day of the year (I know).

The miniature herring start back north right past Runde where the puffins with their young are on the lookout for food. Herring have a tough life, hunted for by many seabirds, killer whales, the puffins and man with huge trawler nets.

It gives the puffins a hard time too, because the annual quantities of herring passing by need to arrive at the right time for the puffins with their young. Too late and the young puffins don't get fed. Despite the challenges, the ams puffins will return in the same pairs to their prior year nests on the island.

We ventured high onto the cliffs, but the areas where the puffins were most visible was out of bounds because of the season, so I'll make do with the footage below:

We did see many other birds including the angular gannets diving into the water to spear their prey, but I guess the puffin wins the P.R. vote.

a serpent and some vertical farming

We hopped another small boat along the Geraingerfjord. We'd just seen the scar in the face of Valldalfjord from the battle between Saint Olav and the serpent around one thousand years ago.

The boat had its own commentary and did mention (King) Saint Olav, but the main emphasis was on farming.

The old fjord farms are a cultural monuments in Norway and some are now preserved with UNESCO world heritage status. They are located in really out of the way places down by the fjord, or high up on rock shelves. These farms would be a small patch of ground, some goats and perhaps a cow providing subsistence living. Beautiful settings but a tough lifestyle.

Farming as an industry has declined in Norway, despite the area we were in being famous for strawberries and other fruit. I looked at the sheer sides of the fjord and mused. I'm no farmer, but I thought the idea would be to get flat ground so that the livestock could stay attached? Just looking at the waterside landings, the access would then be hundreds of feet of sheer climb. Not exactly 'can you help me bring the shopping in?'

The stories told included farms requiring access by ladders with a side benefit that the ladders could be withdrawn when the tax collector paid a visit. In one case a big boulder overlooking the farm was so unstable that the farm was declared too dangerous. In another area the ground was so steep and treacherous that the children were tethered to prevent them from straying or falling. We didn't see any tethered children, although we did see tethered cattle grazing in another field.

island hopping

Today we are around Ålesund and decided to do some island hopping. The area has both fjords and sea islands.

There's plenty of travel options and we've somehow mixed bridges, tunnels and ferries together to get around.

The Norwegians have some long tunnels through the mountains, but also deep tunnels that wend their way under the sea. Some use a sort of spiral construction to get the necessary depth as they take us from one pretty area to another, and I keep hearing that Groove Armada track in my head with Patti Page singing about dreaming of salty air and quaint little villages here and there.

Top Gear Tesla moment in Norway

I noticed an unusual car whilst we were staying at the wooden hut.

An adjacent hut had a sort of Jaguar-looking sporty car parked outside, except it wasn't a Jaguar. I'm used to seeing most fancy cars around London, so I assumed this was a Jaguar with a slightly plastic-fronted body-kit makeover.

Then, the next day I saw another one. Same shape, but white instead of red. I was mildly intrigued.

It was when we were in a temporary stopping place by the Vinmonopolet the next day that I realised what I was seeing. There was a row of pseudo petrol pumps and another one of the cars. It was a Tesla. An electric car recharging from a special high power charger.

The frequency of sightings made me think that the area was perhaps a factory or special test facility for the cars. To see three in a couple of days seemed unusual. Then I saw another three on our next journey. All the Tesla Model S.

It turns out that this Tesla car is the top-seller of all cars in Norway. It beats even the usual Ford Something. In fairness, it's a small population, and only needs about 1,500 cars to be top of the pops, but it is still noteworthy that a premium-priced electric sports car is achieving this. One reason is the huge Norwegian price incentive because it is electric.

In Norway, a mid-range VW Golf costs about double the UK price because of Norway's taxation. I should maybe mention that a glass of beer is about £10/$16 so there's a general price hike on many products in any case.

Move upmarket with cars and a midrange petrol BMW 5 is around US$100k-120k. So in the middle/upper market the Norwegians look closely at the huge tax relief on a high performance luxury 5 door electric sports car.

The Tesla would be around $220k in Norway if it had the same taxes applied as for petrol cars, but becomes about the same price as the Beemer because no tax is levied. Add the Norwegian fringe benefits for electric vehicles of no toll road charges, driving in bus lanes, free parking, free ferries and only about $700 of fuel (electricity) per year in a car with a 220-320 mile range. No wonder well-heeled Norwegians have created a 5 month waiting list for the car. And no wonder I'm seeing them daily when driving around in Norway.

Norway sells around 12% electric cars already although it is harder to explain how it is selling more than twice as many Tesla as, say, the conventional Volkswagen Golf.

Curiously, the styling isn't ground breaking, probably more like what one 'expects' a sports car to look like, rather than something from science fiction. I guess that's just the packaging for the market and will no doubt evolve as people become used to the idea of EVs.

There needs to be critical mass and developed infrastructure for EVs to work and the Tesla may be a start, although there's still a pretty steep entry ramp even with the circa $130k per car Norwegian subsidy.

to find that I was by the sea, gazing with tranquility...

We wandered outside to get something to eat and on the way back spotted one of the working ships that ply the Norwegian coastline, just as it was manoeuvring for departure. Called Hurtigruten, they have no direct connection with the Donovan lyric above*, except in my head.

There's something far more interesting about a proper ship-shaped ship turning, compared with the more commonplace RoRo car ferries. You know - pointed front and curved back. We watched as it executed a 180 degree turn in the space of a 10 Kroner coin, before disappearing into the distance. About ten minutes later, its sister ship appeared in preparation for a similar transition.

* Hurdy Gurdy Man

watching for the Hurtigruten at Molde

We've left the little hut on the side of a valley, after a delightful couple of days, which included trip along a winding route where the trolls live.

This evening I'm watching a huge sea bird flying across the expanse of another fjord and I gave up counting mountain peaks when I reached 112. Without moving my head I can count 25 peaks right now, and I'm not even close to the window.

We've crossed back to the western fjords, to a small harbour town called Molde, which we reached by a ferry crossing and then a drive through a deep tunnel under another stretch of water.

We decided the view at our location is so good, that we'd sit with a drink, rather than wandering off into the town. Later, a couple of ships from the Hurtigruten pass by here on their way from the south to the very northern tip of Norway.

Until then, here's a hastily grabbed video from the window. No editing, so it will be a bit rough.

great things are done when trolls and mountains meet

This time we're in the area officially regarded as the home of Trolls. They decided to throw a few thunderbolts around and sprinkle the land with rain, just as we arrived.

Of course, it was only playful, and they were simply improving the view for us so that by the time we arrived at the fjord, there would be a suitably mystic appearance. The trolls themselves were hiding; they don't come out in sunlight, because if they did, they'd turn to stone.